Keeping Score

The Oakland A’s Are In First. But They Still Stink.

Oakland's stadium has some serious sewage problems. And it's spilling into the wrong places.

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Come on, Oakland. If your stadium is going to spill sewage all over the place, can’t it at least stink up the visitor’s dugout?

You’re mucking up a huge home-field advantage. The playoffs are coming. You’re in first place. Get your sh*t together.

Oakland’s ancient, outdated O.Co Coliseum suffered another embarrassment on Tuesday, as maintenance workers were called into the Oakland dugout during the seventh inning of the A’s game against the Los Angeles Angels. “It’s kind of repulsive, actually,” says Oakland infielder Jed Lowrie, via USA Today. This is the stadium’s second plumbing disaster this season: during a 10-2 Oakland win over the Seattle Mariners back in June, a disgusting backup leaked into both clubhouses, manager’s offices, and umpire’s rooms, sending millionaires scurrying for higher ground.

The A’s want to move to San Jose, but that deal is tied up, thanks to baseball’s weird territorial rights policies. San Jose, which is some 50 miles away from downtown San Francisco, is Giants property (even though Oakland, whose stadium is a 17-mile drive from San Francisco’s AT&T park, is not). This latest stink may send A’s owner Lewis Wolff and general manager Billy Beane — he of Brad Pitt/Moneyball fame — right over the Bay Bridge, to the Giants’ front offices, where they will beg San Francisco owner Peter Magowan to relinquish these rights.

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But as long as the A’s are stuck at the Coliseum, they need smarter pipes. According to NBA lore, legendary Celtics coach Red Auerbach used to raise the temperature in the visitor’s locker room at the old Boston Garden, messing with the minds and bodies of opponents. Oakland has a much more potent weapon: a proven history of poop. So if the visitors locker room gets contaminated before Game 1 of the Division Series: “Sorry guys, it’s the stadium, we’re doing out best.” If Jim Leyland, the manager of the Detroit Tigers — a potential A’s playoff opponent — notices a foul smell during the seventh inning stretch: “Blame the Giants! They won’t let us out of this place.”

Then again, despite last night’s sewage spill, Oakland pulled out a 2-1 victory, on a walk-off single by Josh Donaldson. Maybe the incident motivated the home the team.

Let’s win this game, and get the hell out of here. Gross.

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