That Giant Sucking Sound

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Isn’t just France, but Raymond “I am not an idiot” Domenech drawing in his last, horrid breath as French coach. Just a few comments:

1) It would be astoundingly immature (not to mention really irritating) if I were to respond to both the finality of France’s 2-0 loss to Mexico and the way it went down by saying “I told you so”. And because I’m far too big a person to stoop to such depths, I’ll instead simply note “I warned this would happen”. Why don’t I get more cred?!

2) As proof French announcers aren’t as dumb as they usually sound, it’s worth noting they’re already pointing out this team’s biggest problem in general is that Domenech—despite his insistence he knows exactly what he’s doing, and won’t be dissuaded from following his convictions to the end—has never had a constant, solid, model line up in place long enough around which an actual team could form. The man never stops tinkering—usually in function of his egotistical caprices–and the result is each match he fields 11 men who never form a team.

Meanwhile, those same announcers note that, tonight, France’s big problem was the absence of a grounded, disciplined player behind like Gourcuff, and one with even the slightest hint of offensive ability like Henry. Govou—who clearly took a soporific that convinced him he’d been assigned a defensive position tonight—proved (contrary to my earlier post) nowhere near as credible on attack as a leaky sack of pee—and Anelka…Well, you can have him Blues; les Bleus are done with this sub-chode.

Meanwhile, one thing they aren’t pointing out is–no matter who Ray-Ray trots out there–the individuals wearing French jerseys only share one thing in common: they look like they hate playing football. For many of the matches during the 2006 Cup in Germany, all the games during the 2008 Euro, and every one up to tonight, les Bleus–all of them–look like they consider having to kick the ball around together is about 1% better than doing push-ups, running laps, taking out the trash, or having to listen to Carla Bruni singing and pretending it isn’t awful. No wonder they’re so good at losing. What’s with that?!

3) As proof French announcers are as dumb as they usually sound, despite their unanimous (and, alas, probably accurate) chorus last night describing the Bafana Bafana as already eliminated, they’re now telling French fans not to despair: that if things play out just right, everything may turn out okay after all—just like in Germany! (Barman—give me whatever those men are drinking!)

Okay, my bad. Rather than being realistic, let’s be optimistic and hope those surreal French assurances aren’t the result of total psychosis. Let’s all be like French announcers and stress that everything will turn out as it should. So here’s hoping Uruguay scores 20 goals in defeating Mexico next match, and at the same time South Africa wins by 50 goals against France, allowing the home side—and their army of vuvuzelas—to advance into the knock out round!

4) As for Domenech, has anyone checked out those woolly mammoth eyebrows he’s got going? Well, that Ayatollah Khomeni look isn’t long for this world. It’s rumoured that upon his arrival home following France’s next loss, Ray-Ray is going to be treated to a little beauty treatment that’ll cure is overly hirsute state: a full-body waxing using hot tar. And with Carla Bruni on the PA. If you ask me, he’s getting off easy.

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